Space in the Void

I'm still here,

I doubt I'll disappear.

 

This is all very random,

spontaneous to say the least.

Not sure what to say,

I've got to stop whiling away the days.

 

Why I post here I do not know,

but I'd hate to see it crumble apart,

2 if not 3 years

of myself,

saved on the Internet.

 

Slightly aware,

of who might be there,

reading this poem.

But why should I really care?

 

Student by day,

man-owl by night.

Mainly hollow on the inside.

 

Why I wrote here,

I do now know,

but it is time to

temporarily

dis-app-ear.

Might as well post it here. I got rid of it/Team Fortress 2. It's taking too much of my time and stifling the rest. This day is messed up but hopefully tomorrow will be a nice fresh start. And I was even considering EvE online. I'd probably give up on my life if I played it. Great. If I can't reduce the use I might as well go cold turkey once again. Funny thing is noone really notices. Or else its the elephant in the living room. You don't notice it after a while. Noone says anything. Yes I think this is some sort of hidden addiction which people consider relatively normal. Except there's no gamers anonymous, there's no help, you're on your own. Because it might just be possible that it is quite easy to give up. Personally I've been pulled in. Hopefully I'll pull out. The next 3 weeks will be helpful aswell. And the other pc won't claim me. I will refuse to.

 

And to be honest I don't give a damn about who's reading this blog. Yes this is another side of Thomas that you don't get to see at school. Well you don't see me in this case. You just get to read what I'm typing. Point is this blog has been with me for the  last 3 years or so and probably details part of me. And if the internet crashes, the servers die, this part of me will be lost and I'll probably forget some of it myself. A pity of sorts.

 

Hopefully I'll hold out,

Thomas

Amazing. They still advertise the same gatorade advert which I mentioned four months ago. Nneka Ogwumike still doesn't look so good but I bet gatorade doesn't really care anyway.

 

You may ask why I am here, blogging away at 8:35 in the morning. Honestly, I don't know why. I feel like I am leading myself into a tiny cul-de-sac so I might aswell try and dump some of the things going on in my head and give you, the reader, a slightly better picture of the guy who let this space be for the last three to four months.

 

Maybe the picture won't be so accurate anyway.

 

First of all I blame Team Fortress 2 and my weak approach towards gaming. I am letting a darned machine and software code rot me away, from the inside out. Not a very nice experience, you might say, but it's bittersweet. You enjoy it, yet know you could be doing something better with your life. Let's face it, and I'll come clean on this issue - I am a junkie. Sure there are no harmful physical effects, like the ones that develop when using other drugs, but it takes over your mind and life gradually. It saps away your time. I think it really does. Or maybe I'm just over exaggerating a bit. I used to consider Quake Wars a drug. Junkie to the end. I used to stick around for a good two to three campaigns, lasting late in the night. However it seems, the best games were those played at two in the morning, where you're tired but still playing, and teamwork does start working. Amazing eh ?

 

I used to look at my watch and say "the night is still young" when the little hand pointed at 10 and the big hand pointed at 12. I enjoyed it. I made the game experience of others slightly better by playing as your good old support class - the medic/technician. I still play that in team fortress 2, seeing that noone can be arsed to be one.

 

Problem is I can't uninstall Team Fortress 2. I had given up on quake wars, dawn of war : dark crusade and the rest because my sister didn't play them. But she does play team fortress 2. So should I  uninstall it just because I can't control myself ? She is perfectly in control, and enjoys the game. It feels unfair. And for that reason I'm leaving it where it is. Hopefully I'll manage to constrain my actions or in extreme cases, request a password change and let my sister use it. How extreme is that ?

 

I'll most likely have to find something to use up the time I'll have on my hands. I think I'll learn how to do some basic photography, or dedicate more time to my models. In a way the people and friends I know from school are there, but there is and there is not action. The most obvious medium for communication, in this day and age, is Windows live messenger. It's ok but lacking at the same time. Conversations may develop a silence, which is harder to work around. You can never be sure what the other person really means since you've removed the emphasis a voice can place on certain words. And Messenger needs pc time aswell. Bugger it.

 

Apart from this problem, I have to admit that life is doing quite well. I did win one of the activities/competitions I was taking part in. I won first place in the Malta Student Science Forum. Funnily enough there was only first place. I think they couldn't fund a second place, which was a great pity, since I bet my teammate, Daren, would have won it. Great guy, and I bet that without him, the whole thing would have been a catastrophe. Well since I won, I get to partake in the London International Youth Science Forum held in London. Go google it if you want to know what it's about (actually here's the link : http://www.liysf.org.uk/ )

 

I've also been thinking of career paths which I can take. There's so many. One of the ones I really like - chemical engineering, is slightly out of bounds since I need maths A level. I'll first get my current set of subjects done and probably take a year off and do Maths A level. But then again, materials science is pretty interesting aswell, and our university here in Malta opened a 3 year Chemistry with Materials course. And then theres your traditional chemistry and biology degree. So many choices. Or medicine. And I'm horrible when it comes to choosing (still takes me ages to choose what to eat when I go to a restaurant).

 

Euro-mediterranean evening was a success by the way. Sure, I bet you're not that interested about events which happened three months ago, but I'd rather tie up all the loose strings. Very nice stuff, though it turned hectic towards the end, along with the fact that I still had to travel to Valletta for a good three days (or more) to stay near my Young Scientist wind turbine project Stand (the interview with the judges was quite ok - got to thank God for that - bailed me out and gave me strength). Euro-med was quite fun, though I developed a sense of apathy towards the dance, and probably towards the people themselves. That seemed to vanish in the end. Very rapidly. However I enjoyed my part as a mime. Nothing beats offering flowers to people and not talking. A good way to mask the feelings which  had resulted from a slight skirmish (no it wasn't related to physical fighting). Great, I think I've just opened a mini pandora's box again. Darn it. I think at this rate I'm going to develop some sort of emotional scar tissue, which might result in that part of me not functioning well. Or else it's already dead. Because sometimes I really don't know where I stand with respect to what's going on in my head

 

I think I have changed - even during these last 4 months. It's amazing. Biology has turned boring (at times), I ask lots of strange questions. My parents are tolerant but I think I've turned slightly paranoid. When I met up with friends at Paceville last week,I thought I heard people calling my name. I think I can be a great success at times, whilst during others, I wish that it was over. I yearn for a challenge, but try to avoid them. I feel restrained, locked in by the values of society, the ideals and norms. It's darned peeving. I can't even try and learn new things, which are challenging and slightly dangerous (I'll be honest there). And I'm now used to it. My ideas remain ideas. Whenever I propose something I feel that is lambasted to bits, and then I am given the go-ahead (resulting in me dropping the whole thing). Nothing is feasible. It really pisses me off. Maybe it's just me. Other people do so much with their hands and skills. Everything is classed dangerous, or takes too much time.

 

I really think I have been hard-wired into this reality now.

 

Films are one way out, and games the other (most likely- this is just a very quick on-the-spot assumption). Games even more so, since they are interactive. Books work aswell, though it has been ages since I read a good fiction book (currently reading Ivan's War - non fiction). I think I'll read Arthur C Clarke (God bless the old guy - real pity he died) and probably tackle Lord of the Rings again. And have I told you ? It is by now highly probable that I will be building a pc. Yes, a new PC. But ATI seems to be releasing it's 4870x2 by the end of august. That means that I've got a whole month of using this pc. I was planning of having it built a week or two after the forum (circa 15th August or so). A setback which I will most likely overcome.

 

I'm still optimistic at times. I find that kind of amazing. I have done some poetry aswell, though that's not important. Actually I think I should start concluding these thoughts of mine, since I'm starting to ramble.

 

Last thing before I conclude. My space got 7 hits this week so far. I can't tell from whom they were, but I really have reason to believe it's a contact from Windows Live Messenger. Any chance of contact ? I'm assuming a lot here and this will probably fall flat, but as stated before windows live messenger isn't the best of contact mediums. I don't like instability or not knowing what footing I have/where I stand. I'd appreciate it. (honestly I think I've gone slightly out of point here but why not appeal here, this person might just be reading this - if the persons' patience lasted so far)

 

Cheers - hopefully I'll blog every now and then,

Thomas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Greetings once again. Today's advert is telling me that Nneka Ogwumike is the Gatorade National Girls Basketball Player of the Year. Amazing stuff eh ? She's looking at me right now. The photo of her makes her seem a little dead to be honest. Well enough about the advert - Seems like I've promoted Gatorade further. Today I opt for a different type of account.

 

Opening sequence commenced. Airlocks unseal. Chambers are being re-pressurized. Power supply fully operational. Lockdown doors de-activated and removed. Security drastically reduced.

 

A : Hola Johnston. How are you ?

B : You locked me up. Why visit now ?

A : I never locked you up comrade. You just disengaged. And for some reason when I thought of you again, wearing that mask and little straitjacket of yours, I pictured you locked away in a maximum security cell. No idea why. Did you do something extremely offensive, sir Johnston ?

B : Nay, not at all. I really did leave you, but I stil don't get why you decided to visit me. As for this situation, I blame starship troopers. Sounds extremely random eh ? But I blame them.

A : Do you want some chicken ?

B : Haven't had meat in ages. But I'd prefer red meat if you have some. Nearly raw please. Along with a nice big glass of Jucee. 3 ice cubes aswell.

A : Waiter ! You heard the man ! Chop chop! What did they feed you whilst I was away ?

B : Nothing at all. I don't really require food you see, but I enjoy it. Seems like you've set some bits of your mind to rest. How did you do that ?

A : Well it's been a sort of interesting phase. I've reduced the frequency of various activities and increased some others whilst trying out some new experiences. Some activities have been stopped completely and thank jeebies, for they weren't very good for my mind and/or body.

B: Good to hear that you've gotten a grip of yourself. Any other changes ?

A : Well I've been illuminated slightly. I think I might have found the route I would like to take afterwards, though it might be a little complex. Well better late than never. Now where's that darned waiter? Waiter ! Where's the order I requested. You don't have meat ? What ! Impossible. You've got to be kidding me. Gah I'm sorry about this Johnston. I'll take you out to lunch immediately after we conclude this session.

B : Doesn't matter at all. A little birdie told me that yesterday wasn't such a bad day for you.

A : Quite OK. Set up the turbines and was slightly discouraged that one guy is probably 20 years old and is equivalent to a 2nd year university student. I'm the only sixth form guy there, unless the others turn up tomorrow in a completely mysterious fashion. Bah humbug. I'll see this through to the end. And thank God for the help he provided me with. Would have been impossible to do without my father and friends.

B : Faith revival all of a sudden ?

A : Well sort of. I still don't understand why God killed the Egyptians and helped His People obliterate other races. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe one day I'll find an answer. But yesterday I did try out something a little different and enjoyed it. Youth for Jesus meeting. Not bad at all. Paceville afterwards. Despite not having decided to meet some of my friends, I bumped into quite a few people I knew. Had a nice time, then returned home and had toast. Guess what the toast consisted of.

B : Meat. Meat. And some cheese.

A : Quite accurate - ham,mortadella and cheese. With butter. And lots of pepper. And salt (not too much of that). Yummy. I also think I might might have a chance later on with respect to inter-personal relationships. I hope so.

B : The sky is the limit. Amazing stuff. Good luck.

A : What's that noise ?

B : Ah just the klaxon. I'm afraid they might ask you to leave now. And use force if you refuse to do so.

A : It's a pity our ways must part once again. I do wonder where you went sometimes. Have you any news of Scotty ?

B : Scotty who ? You found a replacement ! What in the hell is wrong with you?  Guards ! Get this nutcase away from me !

A : No ! You don't understand. I never replaced you in an active manner. I just met other people. You're wrong Johnston. Maybe this is why you're in here. You're the nut. And as for you sir, why you can let go of me right now.

B: You shot him. Motherfrigger.

A : Put on the mask or I'll terminate you. I'm sorry it came to this. I'll vist some other time. Looks like dinner is served by the way. He's still warm. If you're that desperate.

B : I won't eat someone else just because I would like some red meat. Sadist.

A : Have it your way then. Into the cell. Now.

B : Just don't pull the trigger. I'm sure we can agree once again someday. I'm here if you need me. Just don't kill anyone next time. I'm sorry if I was off mark and hurt your feelings.

A : Apology accepted. Now in. Before I have to use this thing on some other people.

 

Initiate Lockdown sequence in 3,2,1. Shutdown. Patients put into stasis. All guards report to sector 3.2.5. I repeat report to sector 3.2.5. Chop Chop.

I need a drink. I think. Actually I don't do alcohol. But that was the thought that used to come to mind before I used to sit down and have my usual fix of Quake Wars, when I was stressed, angry or worry. That game was highly addictive. Enjoyable at the most.

 

I'm going to fail.

No I won't.

 

Brain dump ! chicken hand grenades, flying, butterflies with black spotso n brown rings, tired, eyelids face of some random guy, face of a guy I know from Biology (I won't mention his name. He's got gel in his hair. Football. Team playing football. Victory. Strrogg. Pulsing beats. Throbbing. Take away.

 

Well I think that's all I 'm capable of today. With respect to brain dump that is. I've just been through a very meffish experience. Resolved with a sort of positive outcome. God, I wish stuff could be easier thatn this. I've danced the can can/tango/waltz/tarantella/any other dance and been drained. I'm trying to resist the pull of the sinking ship. I think I can do so. Well it seems that in this blog of sorts I'm terminally optimistic. Quite the contrary in my life.

 

I'm interested in someone. I don't know whether she reciprocates. As usual. The standard Thomas dilemma. It's amazing how life works. I was formed from 2 gametes which fused to form a new entirely individual system, but am really a product of randomness. If any other sperm cell fused with the ova I would not be me. Get it ? It hit me today. It's scary. If I am living due to an entirely random process, then what is my real purpose ? I really need to turn to my faith. These questions are productive if tackled nicely, otherwise they corrode your mind. I think.

 

Todays advert proclaims that Product X cleanses your face from acne. Amazing stuff. Acid does the trick aswell. I'm cooking snails today week. I don't give a frig whether someone who is not in my euro-mediterranean group is reading this. Secrecy is quite silly sometimes.

 

Monday has turned into a mountain. Vertical cliff face. I'll climb bit by bit and just avoid falling off. I'll have to hug the cliff face. Requesting Strength and Illumination. I like my fingers. I like the way they can be clenched to form shapes. They can depict emotions at time. I think. I did quite well in my biology test. I think. I'm saying " I think" quite a lot today. I was going to type it again right now.

 

A little voice in my head sometimes tells me that I'll never get to know someone in a nice close manner. I disagree. I think I can. I don't like the way some bits of me have fragmented and sometimes refuse to cooperate. Considering, when I'm tired they just shut up. Like right now. I can think and type. And I am not schizophrenic. I am not a nut. Understood ?

 

I'm going to have to learn how to be quiet during this week. And pull ropes. And live in tiny boxes. This really is going nuts. I really really hope I'll get some reward. Nothing massive. Just a happy ending to a long, winding, chapter in the story of Thomas Farrugia. That would be ace. A nice happy ending. Not too cheesy, but just right. Maybe it's achievable. I think it is. Depends though.

 

I wonder how many people read these blogs. I still don't get why these blogs are interesting. But they serve as an excellent dumping ground for my thoughts along with a sort of diary (usually allows me to laugh at myself or note how certain core values of mine have remained unchanged) Now I will go to bed. I will sleep. Dream happy dreams. Or none at all.

I really do like that person. I think. Someone else is very interesting aswell. But it doesn't all make sense. Which is a pity. And I've got to make a choice. I don't understand this thing. Well we all make mistakes in the beginning, I must avoid overdramatizing them and instead learn from them.

 

I didn't do my chemistry homework as of yet. Same goes for my philosophy Logic. Meh.

 

Will someone ever hold my hand ?

Thomas

 

Greetins once again. Todays advert is promoting Gatorade and sports. Not to my tastes. It bugs me.

 

Well there are worse things than that. But first the good news. Green life triumphed over black death. Yes my orcs won (or drew the game since my opponent wanted to point out that the tables might have turned in the last turn). I'll consider it a victory nonetheless. Quite a nice,challenging game, which involved some beautiful flanking and fighting (I killed 30 zombies in 1 close combat phase ! Woot !)

 

Started school today. I watched 3 films this weekend and yesterday : Artificial Intelligence (AI) along with Starship Troopers. I nearly forgot Casshern. AI and Casshern were nice thinking films. I liked them a lot. Casshern was a japanese film and the way the story flows so beautifully, the cinematography and imagery used make the film truly worth watching. AI tackled some great concepts in a very vivid way. Excellent story.

 

School was fun today. Got to see my comrades once again. Recieved my exam marks. I did very well overall. All subjects in the 80's apart from German. 77 and a half if I'm not mistaken. I also travelled to school today via school transport. Took it's time to arrive at school but I managed to sleep a little. Sleeping is OK at times. Especially when you have slept 5 hours and a half (I blame starship troopers)

 

This week and next week are going to be very heavy. I hope I manage to cope. Otherwise I might just break/snap/go nuts. Pick the ideal one. There's a sort of large hill in my way with a very steep gradient. Just got to climb it bit by bit. But the logistics are going to be horrible. If not a real frig up. I've got to transport myself to Valletta at various times and apart from that I will also have to be in 2 if not 3 places at the same time. I wish I had one of those self-replicating machines. Would be excellent stuff.

 

Capable of doing it? Most likely. Might as well try. If I fail, I think I will go down in a lot of smoke. A lot. I hope I won't crash and burn. Because that is even worse. Believe me. I have pictured myself doing it and I don't like it a lot. Maybe I'm scared of it. I mean that bit definitely. Well I personally think I shouldn't give a frig about one event and just do the other, more dominant one. I've got enough on my plate right now.

 

Tomorrow I have a biology test ! Tomorrow I have a biology test ! Tomorrow I have a biology test. Not sure if I'm looking forward to it. I think I might be able to do well. Let's hope so.

 

Run run run run run run run run run | nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nuR (reflection at it's best). Running would be nice. But I think it's best that I hold my ground. Personally I think that this situation is definitely going to be trying, but once again I will say to myself that I can cope and that "the sky is the limit". I really hope that I'm right and that that saying is aswell.

 

Where did Scotty go?

Thomas